BDSM RTV NEWS!!!!

01 nov 2008

Spank him, but with permission


Source: www.expressbuzz.com Express Buzz - Chennai,Tamil Nadu,India


really want to become a slave to a man or a woman. I love to get whippings and slappings. Is this normal? Ah, BDSM (“bondage-domination-sadism-masochism”). One of those desires that dare not speak its own name, particularly in India.


So let me get down to brass tacks before answering the letter at hand. Subs, dommes, tops, bottoms, BDSM, dominance and submission, fetish, kink, leather, S&M: these are all catchwords that describe a thriving sexual subculture in the West and parts of Asia, a community with its own rules, protocols of practice, and place within the queer rainbow. BDSM refers to a broad range of eroticised activities-sometimes sexual, sometimes not-that involve the explicitly unequal power relations and roles. I’m sure all of you have heard of people wanting to be tied up, handcuffed, or spanked by a partner or partners during sex. The practice can also include mind games, whippings, eroticised ritual humiliation, sexual role-playing, costumes, even plain vanilla sex that involves a conscious power play.

A lot of people say they were born with this desire - born as a dominant or submissive - and others say they developed a yen for this particular sexual activity over time. Some people refer to themselves as “switches” - that is, able to switch between being a dominant and a submissive - and others feel that their orientation is pretty much set in stone. Some folks only want to experience power play during sexual activity, some want it as a whole lifestyle. BDSM folks span the spectrum of desire.

A lot of people on the outside view BDSM activities as violent or fundamentally unequal, but the most fundamental aspect of this kind of sexual play is consent. I can’t stress it enough. BDSM isn’t violent, it’s a consensually agreed-upon, ritualised performance of inequality. That is to say, the performance of dominance and submission in the erotic realm is underpinned by respect and equality between partners. Often partners will get together before embarking on a sexual encounter and work out the rules, boundaries, and expectations of both (or all) participants. The submissive partner is expected to come up with a “safe word” or “safe gesture” to indicate when the dominant partner is to stop the activities taking place - either because the sub no longer feels pleasure, is in pain, or is emotionally overwhelmed. Failure of a domme/top to stop the activity when the sub gives his or her safe word is regarded as a tremendous violation since the sub has effectively withdrawn consent. (And usually, tops/dominants stop experiencing pleasure themselves the minute they feel the submissive partner is no longer enjoying themselves during their interaction. This is all about the safe performance and exploration of the boundaries of control and submission, not about actual control and submission.)

The primary watchword of the BDSM community is “safe, sane, and consensual” - everybody involved in a BDSM scene, relationship, or long-term lifestyle is expected to respect the boundaries of their partners, engage in basically safe sexual activity (even if, as in the example of rope bondage, it appears dangerous on the surface), and be clear about consent.

I guess I’m going into all this detail to answer Slaving Away’s question because BDSM is, in many ways, an area of sexual desire and identity that even many queer people are reluctant to talk openly about.

Stereotypes, prejudices, and outright silencing of this voice of sexual desire is all too common, and many people both straight and queer are afraid to come out about this aspect of their sexual desires. So after that long preamble, my response to Slaving Away is this: don’t worry about the question of “normal”. When it comes right down to it, we’re all highly individual in our desires. There’s no need to feel shame. Just make sure the person with whom you decide to pursue BDSM respects your boundaries fully, communicates with you easily, plays safe, and doesn’t misuse the gift of your consent.

- Padma Govindan is a researcher and founding member
of the Shakti Center gender collective in Chennai. Have a question? E-mail
indianqueeries@gmail.com