BDSM RTV NEWS!!!!

12 february 2009


A sexy introduction to kink

Source: www.excal.on.ca Excalibur Online - Toronto,Canada


Some things you might want to know about BDSM but were too afraid to ask. Bondage can be fun - if you know what you’re doing.


When I stepped into Northbound Leather for the first time, I was unsure of what to expect. I perused the fine leather coats at the front of the store and slowly made my way to the back. As my eyes fell on some of their slightly less conservative products - harnesses, leather masks and PVC bodysuits - a pink-wigged girl behind the counter offered, “Any questions, comments or concerns, just ask.” “Yeah, I’ve got kind of an odd question, actually,” I began. “There are no ‘odd questions’ here,” she quickly replied. My friends and I had spent the day trying to define “kink” and figured the folks at Northbound could help settle our debate. Although we had been arguing for hours, we’d we had made little progress. By the end of the day, we had more “odd questions” than we had answers.

Some of those “odd questions” had been addressed a week or two earlier by Andrea Zanin, self-described “sex geek” and host of Trans Bisexual Lesbians Gays Allies at York (TBLGAY)’s “BDSM 101” workshop. Zanin lectures frequently on issues in the queer and BDSM communities and often hosts workshops like the one TBLGAY set up at York. I had attended that workshop - it was informative and made for a great primer. The seminar was fantastic and the visit to Northbound Leather helped, but I still had some questions. For the answers, I turned to Miss Katrina Razor, a good friend and fellow York student. Miss Razor (that’s not her real name, of course) has been in the public BDSM scene for roughly five years, but, like Zanin, claims she has been kinky for as long as she can remember. She identifies as a “switch,” which means she’ll gladly take on different roles - more on that later.

First question: what exactly does “BDSM” stand for? At the workshop, I was surprised when Zanin explained that hidden within those four letters are three separate acronyms: “BD” refers to “bondage and discipline,” “DS” refers to “domination and submission,” and “SM” refers to “sadism and masochism.” We’re basically talking about tying up a partner and inflicting pain - for pleasure’s sake, of course. These, along with fetishes (what Zanin refers to as “eroticized objects, materials or sensory experiences that fall outside the range of those considered ‘traditionally’ erotic”) make up what’s generally referred to as “kink.” More loosely defined, “kinky” refers to any kind of sexual interaction that involves the voluntary exchange of power or the giving or receiving of intense sensation. These interactions are segmented into different episodes - called “scenes” - and, altogether, are called “play.” Play occurs between two consenting adults and should be undertaken only with the pleasure of all participants in mind - this is what separates it from abuse.

Before we get into the specifics, I should mention some warnings: first of all, always practice safe sex. This includes using condoms, dental dams and gloves and, as Miss Razor notes, properly cleaning your toys (see the sidebar). On a related note, both of my interviewees endorse negotiating what constitutes “SSC,” or “safe, sane and consensual,” and “RACK,” or “risk-aware consensual kink,” for each of the players. These terms are widely used in the community and, while fluid in definition, generally refer to the kind of precautions that should surround play. Play should be safe - that is, it shouldn’t cause any permanent injury; it should be consensual (Zanin emphasized this point); and all parties should be aware of the risks involved.

This is why negotiations are integral in play. Negotiations take place prior to a scene and outline what will go on during the episode. This may include the roles the players will assume, the intensity of the experience (not all kinksters are “pain sluts,” Miss Razor informs me, and have varying pain thresholds), a participant’s limits, and any “safewords” that may be used. Negotiations may be very basic or, alternatively, could go into detail; Zanin pointed out how, for some people, detailed negotiations are a turn-on in and of themselves. If the scene calls for it, all partners will agree on a “safeword” during negotiations. Quite simply, this is a word that indicates someone’s limit has been reached. Safewords generally act as a safety precaution, but they also figure into play that involves feigned resistance - they work as a signal to stop when the word “stop” plays a part in the script and is ignored. Safewords should be words that wouldn’t otherwise come up during play - “pineapple” and “manatee” are examples - but some kinksters prefer the system widely used by the community: “red,” “yellow” and “green.” Calling out each colour lets the partner know whether to stop, proceed cautiously or go. “It’s just like traffic lights,” Miss Razor explains. Of course, yelling out any word, never mind a safeword, could prove difficult when one is gagged. “If you’re gagged, ringing a bell or dropping a small object could work,” Miss Razor offers. Limits are also discussed during negotiations and there are generally two kinds: soft limits and hard limits.

“A soft limit is something you’re curious about but hesitant to try,” Miss Razor tells me. “Or it’s something you’re not into but are willing to do to please your partner or partners.”
Hard limits, on the other hand, are deal-breakers. “Hard limits are something you’re not willing to do - ever!” Hard limits, however, should not be confused with “squicks.” While there may be a number of reasons you’ve set that hard limit, squicks simply gross you out. A squick refers to any kind of play you find icky but may turn others on. “I cannot stand tongues in my ear,” Miss Razor confides. The most important parts of negotiations deal with roles: participants have to work out their place in the scene. Players are either “top” or “bottom” and are either dominant or submissive. A top takes the active role, and a bottom acts as the recipient of the action. A dominant (known as a “dom” for short) is the one in control of the scene and a submissive (or “sub”) follows. While the dom usually plays the top and the sub the bottom, a reversal of those roles is possible.
Zanin offered an example to illustrate her point. While dominating one individual, she ordered him to whip her - although he was a sub, he was technically a top, too.
Some kinksters, like our friend Miss Razor, are “switches,” which means they’re comfortable alternating roles.

“I can be dominant with respect to one partner and submissive with another,” she explains. “[But] I can also [switch] within the same relationship.” If you’ve got the gist of it, but want to learn more, Zanin recommends self-education (this also works for kinksters who want to explore new fetishes). Read about or observe someone performing the phenomenon you’re interested in. Ask them some basic questions or read up as much as you can on the practice. Ask some more questions or attend a workshop if possible. She then suggests purchasing the appropriate toys and accessories and experimenting on yourself until you get the hang of it. “Ask a trusted friend to experiment with [you] in a ‘lab scene’ setting where they are giving feedback and [you] ask lots of questions,” Zanin continues. “Then go out and play.”

Of course, the complexity of this process varies with the complexity of the technique. “It’s not always necessary to go at things at quite this level of detail,” Zanin notes. “[It depends] on how high the potential risk [is] if it is done wrong.” When I first spoke to Miss Razor about BDSM, one of the things that shocked me the most was the cost of quality implements. Specialized bondage rope can cost several hundred dollars, she informed me, as can good whips and restraints. Of course, you get what you pay for. “Novelty items are not a good idea,” she warns. “They can be used as part of a Halloween costume, but that’s basically it.” Cheaper, unbalanced whips, often made of leather substitutes, are harder to control. Furthermore, it’s possible they may break during play, making them quite dangerous: they’ll hurt, but not in the way you may expect. There are alternatives, however. Kinksters on a budget may decide to make their own toys using pre-existing materials. A keen imagination allows them to adapt certain household
items - or “pervertibles” - into erotic implements. Both Zanin and Miss Razor cited dripping candle wax as an example, but both noted the dangers in using particular candles. “Avoid scented candles,” Zanin cautioned during the seminar. Synthetic additives can cause the wax to melt at higher temperatures.

Miss Razor showed me her homemade spreader bar, a rod used to keep wrists or ankles spread apart. The bar consisted of a copper tube cut to size from a local hardware store, a thin, sturdy chain passed through the middle of the pipe and a set of key rings (to which cuffs can be attached) on either end of the chain. Of course, “pervertibles” don’t need to be this. Miss Razor provided some simpler adaptations: “Wooden spoons and spatulas - properly sanded - are good for spanking bare bottoms,” she offered. “And ice cubes are not just for drinks.” While this introduction is far from comprehensive, I hope it has answered some of your own “odd questions.” Wait, scratch that - there are no odd questions.

- For more information on kink, check out Sensuous Magic by Patrick Califia or SM 101 by Jay Wiseman