BDSM MEDIA NEWS!!!!
03 june 2011
The Sexual Manifesto: When Bondage Meets the Web
Source: sfappeal.com - SFappeal.com - USA
USA - SAN FRANCISCO - The conversation about online dating ignores (at least) one community in particular: kinksters. It's no surprise, really. Those who talk about and study the dating culture tend to be of a certain majority: white, straight, middle class...and vanilla. Whips and chains? Not so much.
The brouhaha about internet dating usually focuses on shame--the utter shame that you are so desperate and so undateable that you had to slip on the World Wide Web to find someone with whom you could make forced first-date small talk. But there's a reason why the dating scene is moving online: online dating connects you with people you wouldn't necessarily come across in your day-to-day life. More people, more opportunities, more...spankings.
In San Francisco, it's not hard to meet people who have at least heard of BDSM, but whether they practice that (or want to practice that) in their own bedrooms is another matter. Luckily, kink communities are scrappy and build their own spaces in which like-minded folk can mingle and swap flogger tips.
Munches are as low-key as you can get: kinksters meet at a cafe or bar and just talk. No, they don't show up in their inflatable rubber suits--it's mostly normal conversation and mostly normal fashion. "Normal" for San Francisco at least.
Classes. Just like what it sounds, expect these are offered by the likes of the
Society of Janus, or
Good Vibes, not USF.
Play parties allow kinksters to (politely) spectate on scenes, find a new play partner, or even play in public.
But "the scene" is not for everyone. In general, the BDSM scene skews older, which can be exhilarating when your 24-year-old self walks into the dungeon only to realize you're the hottest one in the room. Or it can be disheartening. Also, some kinksters will play with new partners only in public (to feel safer), and some have nary an exhibitionist bone in their pants.
The internet provides filters that real life does not. It enables kinksters to more efficiently find other kinksters in their age range, looking for an X type of relationship, with similar kinks, etc.
OkCupid, and its analogs provide a vanilla space that kinksters can penetrate and peg. Oftentimes, kinksters who avoid the scene seek partners who are more or less vanilla in their day-to-day lifestyles. It's like what the sage Ludacris
once said: "we want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed." You know, someone you can take home to Mom and then tie up and beat later that night just like it ain't no thang.
So you search for people who also mention variants of "kink" and "BDSM" in their profiles, sniff out the kinkcurious, or let them come to you. Somehow, the web makes it easier to say what you're looking for upfront...and magically, people are OK with that. Dating in the real world (without the aid of the kink community) rarely leads to a second date that involves you tied up in hemp rope from a metal ring implanted into the ceiling. The internet can help with that.
Fetlife, is the Facebook of BDSM. It pivots more on a network of friends than a network of dates, but in the kink community, your friends tend to be your play partners anyway. Fetlife bridges the two worlds of online anonymity and the physical kink community. Eventually, if you friend enough people, you'll find someone you know IRL (is that Sally from HR?!).
Fetlife offers mixed success, though. Some people are too worried about privacy to even accept a friend request. But sometimes you luck out with a respectful and politely worded message, an initial meet 'n' greet over coffee, and a fabulous caning session the very next weekend. So let's put it this way: Fetlife is the place where you find your friends and then fuck their friends.
Collarme, and its analogs are specifically for kinksters and specifically for finding play partners of varying degrees. But first you'll have to get over the web design that harks back to the days of Netscape Navigator, the
financial dommes, and the men puppeting as women.
The most powerful advantage of Collarme is that in one place there are thousands of kinksters who are DTF. But with power comes great responsibility. Filter appropriately.
And then there's
craigslist. But you know craigslist already. Caveat emptor: if you're a Dominant woman looking for love, your ad will be flagged in about 10 to 60 minutes. Haters be hatin'.
Of course, like with any internet dating, it's important to think of safety. In other words, meet in public, trust your instincts, make sure you know how you're getting home--you know how it goes. It's not that kinksters are more likely to be axe murderers. It's that everyone on the internet has the potential to be axe murderers.
But with kink, it's advisable not to jump into bondage on the first date or after a few rounds at the bar. Many kink activities involve a lot of trust and skill, and you need to be certain that both parties involve know what they're doing.
The internet certainly isn't a replacement for the physical kink community, but it's a great complement. Meeting people organically--like on the street, in a bar, or at the park--is more difficult when you desire a kinky partner. And one elephant in the room I haven't discussed? Many kinksters tend to be queer or some varying degree of heteroflexibility or curiosity.
Sure, kinksters will run into the same problems that vanilla folks have with online dating. Online dating, however, addresses the burning question in every single-and-seeking kinkster's mind: are you kinky? And when you can answer that question before the first date, that's when the real fun begins.
Image from
Daniele Devoti .
The Sexual Manifesto is Christine Borden's weekly column on sex in the city, sex and culture, and, well, sex. Got a tip for Christine (and it's not in your pants)? Email her at:
christine@sfappeal.com.
