BDSM MEDIA NEWS!!!!
March 09, 2013
The Trouble With Bondage(audio)
Why S&M will never be fully accepted.
Source: Slate.com. - Slate.com - USA
USA - Is S&M going mainstream?
It looks that way. Twenty to 30 years ago, surveys suggested
10 to 15 percent of Americans, had tried it at least once. Five to 10 percent had engaged occasionally in BDSM-an umbrella term for
bondage, dominance/submission, and sadomasochism. Fewer embrace it as a lifestyle or identity: Even in big cities, attendance at BDSM conventions is said to be only
1,500 to 2,000. But in the last year, the
Fifty Shades of Grey, trilogy has sold more than
65 million copies. The membership of FetLife, a social networking site for BDSM enthusiasts,
has doubled, to nearly
2 million. Sales of
books and equipment, have increased. So has attendance at
BDSM events. BDSM-related Internet searches (domination, master, sex slave, sadism) went up
70 to 80 percent. College groups devoted to “kink,” largely BDSM, gained official recognition at
Tufts, and
Harvard. Pillars of the media establishment-ABC, Fox News, the New York Times-are
exploring, the
rise of kink, in
unflinching detail.
Political advocates for BDSM see themselves as successors to the gay rights movement. They cite
Lawrence v. Texas. They call themselves
sexual minorities." and depict kink as a
sexual orientation.” They seek
legitimacy.” by bringing BDSM
into the mainstream eye.” They ask to be
accepted,”
validated,” and
normalized.” They wonder, according to the Times, whether “they are approaching a time when they, like the LGBT community before them, can come out and begin living more open, integrated lives.”
Don’t count on it.
I don’t mean to be cruel. I know people who have lived this life. I’ve watched others tell their stories on
YouTube. I’ve read the writings of BDSM teachers, advocates, and organizers. These people are conscientious. Many of them have worked hard to draw boundaries to distinguish domination from abuse. At its best, BDSM is a willing power exchange enveloped in love. But it differs from homosexuality in ways that make it much harder to integrate into normal life.
To start with, BDSM isn’t an orientation. It’s a lifestyle. In the words of one aficionado,
It’s not who you love, it’s how you love.” That makes it much more reasonable to limit this kind of sexual expression. It’s hard to hide the fact that you’re in a lesbian relationship. But it’s not hard to hide the fact that you like to tie up your girlfriend. You can bring her to the office holiday party. You just can’t bring her on a leash.
Second, S&M, by its nature, hurts people. Mild bondage is no big deal. But for sadomasochists, pain is the whole idea. Some stick to spatulas and wooden spoons, but others move on to
electric shocks,
skewers,
knives, and
butterfly boards. Women who do S&M porn scenes have described electrical burns, permanent scars from beatings, and penetrations that required
vaginal reconstructive surgery. While these injuries were accidental, the BDSM subculture doesn’t regard intentional harm as wrong. According to the
Statement on Consent,” developed by the
National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, injury is wrong only if it “was not anticipated and consented to.” The coalition hopes to embed this principle in law, “ensuring that consent will be recognized as a defense to criminal charges brought under
assault laws.”
I understand the coalition’s concern. They don’t want nosy neighbors dragging you into court because hot wax burned your nipple. But the BDSM community’s position-that “government must stay out of the bedrooms … of mutually consenting adults, no matter how violent or
shocking the activity,”-creates perils of its own.
BDSM can be quite dangerous. Responsible practitioners insist it must be
safe, sane, and consensual.” But it attracts people who like to push boundaries. Some submissives are adrenaline junkies: They don’t believe in
safety. Recently,
several men have admitted to, or have been
charged with, or
convicted of, crimes including sexual abuse, kidnapping, and murder, all under the cover of BDSM. These men don’t represent BDSM, but they do represent the far end of sadism. On BDSM sites, you’ll find harrowing
fetishes, such as immersion
water bondage, and
breath play, which some
community leaders, consider inherently
unsafe. Even a standard ball gag can kill the victim by
triggering regurgitation.
Every article about BDSM now includes the obligatory
professional woman, who’s secure enough in her
feminism, to admit she likes to be
flogged. It’s great that we’ve come that far, but the message is awkward. While reformers in India battle a culture of rape, Indian BDSM advocates extol the bliss of
female masochism. While human rights activists denounce caning and waterboarding, BDSM lecturers teach the joys of
caning and waterboarding.
Abduction,
slavery,
humiliation,
torture,-everything we condemn outside the world of kink is celebrated within it.
The core ethical principle of BDSM is
consent. But given the underlying dynamics-one person who wants to dominate, another who wants to be dominated-consent often blurs.
BDSM attracts masochists, whose boundaries can be
pushed. It
attracts sadists, who like to push those
boundaries. According to the New York
Observer, “In the last year, hundreds of people have come forward to describe the abuse they’ve suffered within the scene. … The stories ranged from more benign assaults (unwanted groping) to tales of being drugged and raped.” In a survey by
NCSF, more than 30 percent of BDSM participants reported that their pre-negotiated limits on violence or domination had been breached. The coalition’s spokeswoman concluded: “There is still confusion between consensual
BDSM and assault.”
BDSM community leaders stress the importance of
safe words,”-distinctive words that the submissive can utter to make the dominant stop. But that doesn’t always work. Some dominants
refuse to honor safe words. Some say they’ll respect them, but then
they don’t. In the intensity of a scene, a submissive can be beaten into a state of disorientation that puts safe words and the revocation of consent
beyond her reach. DomSubFriends, a kink site, warns, “A sub may be in subspace and not have the presence to
stop the scene.”
NCSF agrees,: “The physical or emotional intensity of a scene can result in the participants getting carried away, or being unable to revoke or modify consent.”
In most BDSM relationships, domination or violence is limited to agreed-upon sessions, known as “scenes.” Violence becomes abusive when it occurs
outside the scene.” But some couples don’t accept this distinction. In a “master/slave” relationship, NCSF guidelines say the slave can “give up contemporaneous consent for the duration of the
relationship.” “There are people that believe that if you write a contract giving up your freedom, you give it up forever,” says one
BDSM teacher. In these relationships, “if the slave gives up their freedom, that’s it. It’s over.”
For all these reasons, society can never accept BDSM in its entirety. Nor can BDSM fully accept society. If kinksters ever managed to immerse their leather in what they call the
vanilla,” world, the vanilla would ruin the leather. That’s what Fifty Shades has done: By flooding sex-toy shops with suburban women more interested in bodice rippers than in ripping bodices, it’s diluting the netherworld.
They took away my BDSM,” sniffed one longtime enthusiast.
Don’t persecute kinksters. Most of them just want the freedom to play out their fantasies, within limits and without losing their jobs. But if you can’t accept consensual domestic violence as just another lifestyle choice, that doesn’t make you a prude. It makes you perfectly normal.
See larger photo on:
www.slate.com.
