Hi, Dr. Charley,
I hear so many people say that those of us who participate in rough play or BDSM "must be damaged people" or must be working out traumas etc. Many people have had sexual trauma, but in my opinion, it doesn't necessarily translate into rough play or BDSM for all. Nor have all who are into rough play necessarily experienced trauma, but so many think they are related
How do you address the thought that those who engage in hard play are damaged or should "work on themselves" so that they no longer want hard play or worse, are simply "sick?" How can one let others who inquire know that perfectly healthy people engage in rough play and it is not always an outcropping of illness or trauma?
P’Gell,
Hi P’Gell,
What an awesome question. I think it’s important to realize that there are all sorts of reasons why men and women enter the BDMS Lifestyle; from those that get into it just to dabble and experience a little kink before they run back to their vanilla partners, to those individuals who embrace Master/slave 24/7 relationships; and every level in between.
Yes, some individuals enter into the community for the wrong reasons. They may have been traumatized in the past and hope to overcome past hurts by gaining strength in the re-enactment of that past hurt and gaining a sense of control; or they may wish to exert their control over another because they feel powerless elsewhere in their lives. For these individuals, I recommend therapy--first.
Then there are those individuals who view BDSM (Dominance and submission) as a sacred part of themselves that they wish to share with another, or because D/s is the type of interaction that “just feels right” and brings them “peace” or a sense of balance and wellbeing. I see nothing pathological about that.
The truth is BDSM is not a pathology (an illness) we have to be cured of or come over! Dominance and submission is a NORMAL HEALTHY part of our sexual development and expression when conducted between two consenting adults. No, it’s not for everyone! Let's face it, not everyone likes chocolate. smiles
As for how I address people's misconceptions and the media’s continued negative portrayal, I advocate strongly within the medical and psychological community about the normalcy of BDSM both in the US and Latin America; I conduct lectures and workshops to help dispel the myths and erroneous information.
In my new book, BDSM THE NAKED TRUTH, I address this very issue and show people how the power exchange is already in our daily lives in varying degrees-it’s in the relationships we have at work, with our families, with our loved ones, etc. Through BDSM THE NAKED TRUTH I hope to show the emotional and psychological connections men and women make and how D/s is practiced with love, honor and affection. It’s my wish that everyone from the curious seeker, to law enforcement, judges, doctors and mental health providers read this book so they can learn the truth and stop judging inappropriately. I also wrote BDSM FOR WRITERS which shows authors what D/s is really all about and hopefully through this book, authors will help build a better understanding for their readers.
Live with passion,
Doctor Charley…
